It All Matters

It's as simple as this- if you're thinking about doing something to celebrate someone's life, it's probably a good idea.

A common fear among most people after a death is that the person they loved will be forgotten.  By paying tribute in some way,  you're reassuring them this isn't true, and that matters!

Keeping the Faith Vs. Accepting Reality

I always tell my kids, "Trust your gut."  When it makes sense, and when it doesn't.  When it's easy, and when it's not.  If you feel threatened, unsafe, pushed in one direction, suspicious of someone/something, or convinced of something, even when current conditions indicate otherwise- trust your gut.

I find myself repeating this mantra to myself these days.

I applied to be a workshop presenter for a 2014 program.  It's being held in a place I've dreamed of visiting for years.  Those who were approved were to receive contracts last month, and those who did not got rejection letters.  I received neither.

Here's the gut check- I have been convinced I would be booked by this program from the start.  Don't confuse this with me feeling I should be booked, or was somehow better than anyone else who submitted proposals.  I simply felt it was to be.

This gut feeling is now at odds with reality, since we are past the approval date.  By a couple weeks.  You see, I still feel this assurance that I will be participating.  It's a visual thing, reminiscent of a game show I played years ago.  I can see myself there.  No, seriously.

I auditioned for Who Wants to be a Millionaire in 2001.  From the start, I inexplicably knew I would be on the show.  I lined up with hundreds of strangers the night before they held auditions in Nashville.  I made it through the initial stages, then was told we would hear soon if we were chosen to appear on an upcoming show.  Soon after this, however, Regis left the show and the set went dark.  A year went by before I got "the call" in 2002.  I ended up playing the game, just as I had felt I would.

So, how long do I check the mail with urgency?  At what point do I accept that they're "just not that into me", and try again next year?  Maybe my intuition was a year off?  I just don't get it.  When my radar hits this strongly, it's never been wrong.  Is it an age thing?  Is my mojo weakening?

I maintain it's a good rule to trust your gut.  I won't temper this directive to my kids simply because of this hiccup.  I still believe we are better off when we stay sensitive to these directions and warnings, and I remain hopeful (and possibly unrealistic).

Sigh.

FREE GIVEAWAY!

I just left the Southern Festival of Books in Nashville, TN.  Wow, what a line-up!  C-SPAN doesn't shoot just any old event, people.  They were all over this one, though, and it's no mystery why.  Host Humanities Tennessee lined up the big names for this, their 25th anniversary.

Every year I look up the three-day schedule and start scoping out which panels, events and signings I want to hit.  There's always overlap, thus conflict, so I have to choose between missing out or being "that person" who tries to slink out of the room halfway through to try and double up.  However, today it all lined up magically, so I was able to navigate the day pretty smoothly.

I always end up meeting the nicest people at the festival.  Today was no different.  At Katy Butler's (fascinating) talk, I met Karen from South Dakota.  Karen has been coming every year since 2002.  She has friends from all over the country she's met here who also make the pilgrimage and has, "the time of my life for 2 1/2 days every year in Nashville."

There's something for everyone, and it's FREE!

Also free were the books I was given.  Advance copies distributed for review.  Check out the picture and take a look.  See anything you like?  Well, if you have liked my facebook for HEALING and follow me on twitter (@thegrieflady), take your pick and I'll have it in the mail to you this week.  My way of spreading the book love and saying thank you.

P.S.  Re: the recent post about whether or not to apply to present a workshop at the spiritual community?  Well, I submitted my proposal, and should hear this week.  Stay tuned......

Shameless Plea For Feedback/Advice

Are you ever faced with a decision with no obvious choice?  One that propels you into a vortex of self-doubt?  A roller coaster of second-guessing?  In other words, are you human?

I have been speaking to various groups about grief for awhile now.  I feel it's where I belong.  I have met some of the most remarkable survivors at these events, and always learn more than I teach.  The topics are fairly consistent- healing, hope, how to help those who are grieving, what helps/what hurts, etc.

Well, here comes the fork in the road.  There's an opportunity to present a grief workshop at a spiritualist community next year.  They feature psychic mediums, holistic healing, meditation, etc. Applications need to be submitted soon, though, thus my decision.  I have heard from many, many families about the comfort they have felt through these events. While I have long been drawn to this type of thing, I realize there are those who object.  Strongly.  I happen to be a Christian who believes psychics pose no threat to my faith.  I feel the source of all love is God, therefore the comfort that comes from a healing reading is from Him.  This is why I have been working on my application for a workshop.

Until.........

The grief community is somewhat small, and I recently received a cautionary email from another grief support worker warning me about possible consequences of participating in the aforementioned community's activities.  The danger, in a nutshell?  Diminished credibility.

My knee-jerk reaction is, "That's ridiculous!  I don't care what anyone else thinks!  (cue toddler voice) I do what I want!"

Then I step back and think, and re-think, and over-think-

• Would I be identified with a niche that is only a small part of my beliefs?
• Should I pass on anything remotely controversial?  
• Where do I draw the line?
• Does anyone really care?
• Could this harm book sales?
• What would my publisher say?
• Does it matter?
• Might this be the best move I could make?
• Might this be the worst move I could make?

Am I facing my own Dixie Chicks moment?!

I appreciate the good intentions of the woman who warned me about the potential fall-out from aligning myself with this type of activity.  I also feel the benefits of reaching out to attendees there and offering words of hope and paths to healing outweigh any potential damage to my reputation, such as it is.

I would be very interested in what you have to say about this.  Please comment freely, anonymously if necessary, and tell me what you think.

Thank you!

Hugs For the Holidays

My first attempt at vlogging, because you don't say no to Mama Mary:)  This is part of Hugs For the Holidays, aimed at providing support for anyone grieving their way through this very festive time of year.  It can be so hard, and I love that Mary and Jessica from Four Plus an Angel created this opportunity for us to reach out and "hug" each other this way.

Radio Interview Tonight!

This Week on D-Talks Radio  Alicia King on GRIEF & HEALING DURING THE HOLIDAYS               Alicia King, Author of Healing: The Essential Guide For Helping Others Overcome Grief and Loss, Speaker and leading expert on grief and grief support (aka The Grief Lady) writes and speaks about the dos and don'ts of grief -- what helps someone after a death, and what can unwittingly make it worse.     Alicia joins us to discuss what helps and what hurts when it comes to grief and grief support and what you can do to manage grief during the holidays without guilt or other debilitating emotions.      TUNE IN DECEMBER 13th 6 p.m. PST / 9 p.m. EST        http://dtalksradio.com            ARTICLES & NEWS It's Inevitable (Loss, Grief & Healing) 12-12-2012 20:26:00 PM Here's the thing about death- it happens to everyone.  Here's the thing about grief- someone in your life has grieved before, is grieving now, or will be grieving soon.  So, here's the question- will you be ready when it happens? Will you be there for them, prepared and confident enough to reach out, or will you retreat out of fear of saying/doing the wrong thing? [continue reading]...» SPONSORED BY     Our speakers include renowned authors, advocates, therapists, celebrities and other professionals with extensive knowledge on issues such as domestic violence, bullying, child abuse, teen violence, elder abuse, stalking, net crimes, workplace violence, sexual assault, animal abuse, mental health, addiction, grief & healing and more.     We now have motivational speakers!   Get a FREE QUOTE for your next event! The Elite Speakers Bureau is now hiring callers.  For more information visit  ESB Career Opportunities

TUNE IN     BE SURE TO TUNE IN EVERY WEEK FOR GREAT GUESTS AND INFORMATION!   CLICK HERE for more show and guest information or to listen to one of our On Demand shows

It's Inevitable

Here's the thing about death- it happens to everyone.  Here's the thing about grief- someone in your life has grieved before, is grieving now, or will be grieving soon.  So, here's the question- will you be ready when it happens? Will you be there for them, prepared and confident enough to reach out, or will you retreat out of fear of saying/doing the wrong thing?

This, dear readers, is why HEALING exists.  This is why I speak and write about grief.  We will all lose someone, we all deserve compassion, and we all need each other.

The best way to never get good at something is to push it away and not think, read or talk about it.  It's awkward to go to someone after a death.  I get it!  Worse, though, is watching their pain and never acknowledging their loss.  Grief is one of those situations where you will either make it worse or make it better.  It's that simple.

This brings me to a recent book signing.  (I got to sit beside one of my favorite writers, Myra McLarey, pictured below.) There were about fifteen authors, and we were seated behind tables as people came and discussed our work.  That's my favorite part- meeting new people and hearing their stories.

A woman who manages a large department of a local healthcare company bought a few copies and we spoke a bit about ways to help within the workplace.  Just a week later she contacted me to tell me a co-worker (and good friend) committed suicide. She told me the book had been very helpful.  We remarked on the timing and we talked awhile about this special man who was deeply missed.

Until we find a way to prevent death, let's work on being better at supporting those around us as they grieve.  Learn how to help, what most people find comforting, and what never to say.

We can do it together.

I'm Baaaaaaccckkkkk

Yes, I know.  It's been awhile.  I haven't been gone so much as I've been elsewhere.  As in twitter (@thegrieflady) and facebook.

The important (?) thing is, I'm back now.    Let's catch up, shall we?  Here's just a few of the subjects we've discussed on HEALING's facebook wall-

DNR tattoos.  As in tattooing DO NOT RESUSCITATE on your chest.  Forever.  Just to be sure.

Grief Peeves.  What you wish people knew or would stop saying after a death.

Ways to Help.  Ideas, suggestions, even links to helpful programs like Meal Train.

Relevant Legislation.  Why isn't death of a child included in the FMLA? Who's trying to correct this.

Helpful Sites.  Where readers and I find help, like this favorite site.

Tributes.  Everything from scholarships and trees to the work Erin Runnion is doing in honor of her daughter, Samantha.

We post memorials as we lose both friends and celebrities.  We post pictures of those we have loved, and observe birthdays and other difficult milestones. We share our struggles as well as our triumphs, and support each other along the way.  The only rule, as always- no judgement.

Grief and Healing: What Helps, What Hurts

Grief and Healing: What Helps, What Hurts

I will be working with sand artist Dawn Scott at this event Jan. 17th at 7PM at Epworth United Methodist Church in Franklin, TN. I'll discuss how you can be more confident when reaching out to someone who is grieving. Dawn will speak and perform her remarkable sand art. Have you ever seen this done? Here's a clip of Joe Castillo to give you an idea how it works.

Caris hospice will be participating, and there will be books and CDs available for purchase.

More to come!

SO Excited About This!

Have you had someone close to you die? Were you responsible for handling "the arrangements"? If so, you have my sympathies, truly. It can be a confusing, complicated, exhausting and emotionally torturous process. There are so many different aspects to be addressed, most of which are time-sensitive. You're suddenly charged with dealing with unfamiliar territory- funeral details, obituary, etc., all while grieving.

It's HARD.

Karen Zinn watched as friends went through this, and wondered why there wasn't one website that helped families navigate the after-death ordeal. That's when she began to build what I feel is the best single site to help anyone survive a death. Heart2Soul.

When she asked me to be their grief support expert, I immediately accepted. Other contributors include Letitia Baldridge and Peggy Post!

I think you'll find a wealth of information and support at Heart2Soul, as well as a place to create an online memorial.

Do you love it? Are we missing something? Did you already know about it? Let me know what you think.

Interviewapalooza!

Before this book came out, I wasn't comfortable discussing my mother's death with very many people. I remember calling my sister after my publisher's publicist brought up the subject of promoting the book. Unlike me, my sister has long been open about it, even doing volunteer work in Mom's memory. I asked her how she did it. She told me to just get started, and it would get easier in time. She was right.

The first interview I did was with Maureen Hunter, in Australia. Maureen has built a remarkable grief resource site since the death of her beloved son, Stuart. Somehow, the distance, (and her musical accent), put me at ease. Soon we were chatting like old friends. Having survived that, I felt the concept of speaking about my private nightmare was possible!

I want to thank all the talented hosts for having me on their shows. They all told their own grief stories as well. Thanks for letting your listeners in, and for sharing my message of healing and hope.

Connie and Sheila Talk

Inspirations/Generations with Bridgette Mongeon

Conversations With Charlie Dyer Scroll down to 8/2/11

Maureen Hunter's Stepping Through Grief

Watch This Space

One of the best parts about writing a book is the people I get to meet. During a recent event, there were two women in the audience who stood out. During the Q&A portion of the presentation, they asked some very insightful questions, and I was glad they stuck around afterward. It wasn't until they asked me to be a guest that I discovered they hosted their own radio show! They are the kind of people who make you feel instantly comfortable, as if you've known each other for years. I'm excited to "introduce" you to Connie and Sheila, as well as a few other show hosts, so stay tuned!

I've done several interviews for HEALING lately, and will post links to four of them right here tomorrow.

.....And Security Was NOT Called

Today was Chris Bohjalian's session. He was accessible, brilliant and hilarious. He seemed genuinely grateful for his success, thanking the audience for reading his books. He actually thanked us for reading in general, citing a chilling study showing a decline in reading in this country. He then got a laugh for giving the exception- YA books about vampires.

He took questions at the end. I asked the first one, winning a t-shirt. That's right, I won a t-shirt. This is probably what I will wear with my author badge from this day forward.

Thanks, Chris. You were pressed for time, yet were gracious enough to stay for a signing. Hope to see you next year!

So........there's something I should tell you about the Southern Festival of Books. It starts today, and while I'm very excited about participating, (Noon in Senate Chambers, signing to follow in the Colonnade), there's another reason for my excitement. An author from Vermont will be there. I need to meet him.

A little background. I am a full-fledged, card carrying Fitzgeraldophile. Not just F. Scott, but Zelda too. Very much Zelda too. Well, despite my strong preference for non-fiction, I found myself in an airport store buying a Chris Bohjalian novel. Why? Because he interweaves elements of The Great Gatsby in it. I know. I got chills too.

So, cut to this year, reading about the authors who will be here and I see Chris Bohjalian's name. I am both thrilled and terrified at the prospect of meeting him. Here are my top hopes, in no particular order-

*Please let me recognize him, so as not to ask him if anyone has seen the great and powerful Bohjalian by mistake.

*Please, if given the opportunity to meet him, allow me to form words in English that make sense. Not fainting would be good too.

*Please, if after meeting him I should see him again across the plaza, keep me from yelling, "Hey, Chris!! It's me, your good friend, Alicia!" In other words, please don't let me scare the man.

I'll let you know how it goes. The panel, the signing, and any Bohjalian incidents. Unless of course, there's some sort of court order preventing me form discussing him anymore.

Potpourri For $500, Alex

Too busy to form sentences. Will hit highlights. So much happening! Excited. Must share. In no particular order:

1. There is a new website I have to tell you about. This will save so many people from much of the frustration and confusion that follows a death. It will launch in November. It's the ONE place to go, covering everything from how to plan a funeral to travel information for out-of-town relatives, to grief camps for kids, and so much more.

This is an idea whose time has come. Overdue, really. They'll even have space to pay tribute to the person who has died, sharing stories and pictures. I am thrilled to tell you I will be serving as their go-to gal for grief support. They even gave me a title. Wanna hear it? Grief Support Expert. Yep, it's official. I'm an expert.

2. Sick of that picture on the top of this page? Yeah, me too. New one happening tomorrow. Hoping for a good hair day. Stay tuned.

3. Southern Festival of Books info-

Friday Oct 14, 12:00pm - 1:00pm

Nashville, TN

Senate Chambers (Senate Chambers. I mean, really. How cool is that?)

All Shall Be Well--Helping Ourselves-And Others--Grieve

Sherry Hoppe and Alicia King

Southern Festival of Books. Again!

Last year I was thrilled to be signing advance copies at Turner Publishing's booth at the Southern Festival of Books in Nashville. This year I have been invited to be a panelist, followed by a book signing! It starts Friday, Oct. 14th through Sunday, Oct. 16th. My family loves this FREE event. Over 200 authors are coming to speak, sign, and sell their books. Take a look at this year's line-up.

There's so much going on each day. Check out the schedule here (note that 1st panel:)

They have live music, children's activities, readings, etc., all in the beautiful setting of Legislative Plaza and the state Capitol Building.

Stop by and say hi. I'd love to meet you.

Talking to Kids About Death

I have a chapter in HEALING about supporting children and teenagers while grieving. Still, there's so much more to explore on this subject.

Every age presents its own challenges and unique needs. From a toddler's confusion over a missing parent to a high schooler's rebellion after the death of a sibling, the response of a caregiver will change dramatically. It's not just age that dictates how you should deal with their pain, though. As every parent knows, personality determines your approach. From how you break the news to how you observe birthdays, you will likely handle every child differently.

I would like to hear from you now. Tell me about your experiences. Did someone close to you die when you were young? Are you the parent of a grieving child?

If so, what has/has not worked for you? What do you say or do for other young people now after a death? What you NOT say or do?

Thanks so much. Your honest answers will help others know how to best comfort another child, and to avoid saying those words that haunt you still.

Shout Outs

This is going to be a great big thank you post. To many people, for many reasons. I've only done four book signings for HEALING, and already, there are so many people I want to recognize. Because of their help, this book is getting out there. Most of them have suffered a loss and understand what it means to grieve. Whatever their reasons for helping, I want to thank them here for their contributions. I appreciate you all!

Turner Publishing

Thank you for believing in my project and giving HEALING a chance.

I want to thank everyone at Turner, including Caroline Garner, Lauren Kerensky, Frankie Danly, and, of course, Todd Bottorff who have done so much to support HEALING. I'm thankful for all your hard work!

Caris Healthcare

I wanted to partner with hospice at every event, so I called Alyson Cutshall of Caris Healthcare. She went above and beyond to help me reach patients, caregivers, and the communities I visited. Because of her efforts, I was able to meet some remarkable hospice workers. I loved getting to talk with them about the families they served (no names!) and the services they provide. They answered questions at every event, and even signed up a few volunteers!

Here I am with the Caris reps at the Knoxville signing at Barnes and Noble-

Colagrossi Wines

Craig Colagrossi and Michael Cox make amazing wine. Period. The fact they sent wine for HEALING's Franklin signing only made me love it more! It was an incredibly generous gift, and everyone raved about their L'inizio. Pictured are Landmark Booksellers owners, Joel and Carol Tomlin, myself, and Craig and Beth Colagrossi.

You

If you're reading this, then I want to thank you. When I started this book, I knew the odds of getting published were dismal. I was told new writers have a better chance of getting struck by lightning than getting a book deal. I was also told that no one wanted to read about death and grief. Thankfully, I'm too stubborn to listen to reason:) The truth is that those who have dealt with a personal loss or the grief of others DO want to read about it. You sat for interviews, you read the blog, the tweets, the facebook conversations, and you commented often! You bought the books and emailed me about your own pain. You shared your stories with me and with each other, and I thank all of you for your bravery, honesty, and vulnerability.

You honored the memories of those who died, and in turn, maybe healed a little yourself.

Thank you.

Signings

Book signings have been going well. I will post more soon (with never-before-seen pix!:), but didn't want to wait any longer to thank everyone who came out.

I don't want to wait to thank Caris, either. The hospice workers they have sent to EVERY EVENT have been magnificent. Huge thanks to Alyson Cutshall for arranging everything from promotional flyers to who went where. You understood what I was trying to do from the beginning, and I appreciate your help deeply.

Okay, that's all for now, but pictures soon. (Wait til you see the one of my door greeters from Saturday!)